Dear Mr. Importantpants,

As per your request, the hotel has refunded the charge for your room for Thursday night. This was a “no show” charge, and we apologize for the confusion over your arrival date. The fact that you changed said arrival date several times during the 48 hour period prior to arrival in no way excuses the mistake on our end. The group desk employee who missed the last change has been fired, since your frustration over her/our incompetence made it clear that someone would need to be sacrificed. I’ve also scheduled a Brazilian for myself to atone for your inconvenience.

We do understand that this in no way is associated with your problem at last year’s conference when you arrived a day early and blamed us for not having intuited that you would need a room on Wednesday. We are hoping you might consider allowing us to tap your phone prior to next year’s event so we can track all your conversations and, hopefully, tune in on one with a colleague or friend that clues us in to your actual travel plans so we can be ready for you.

As you can see, we are willing to go to any lengths to satisfy your hotel expectations.

If you elect not to allow us to tap your phone and perhaps have access to all your emails, then we must make it clear now that we cannot be held responsible for any arrangements you plan to make for next year’s conference, but don’t actually share with us.

And if we run into problems again next year and your solution, once again, is to pretend you have never heard of us or what work we do for the conference and go directly to upper level executives to whine about how incompetent we are, we will have no choice but to hurt you. We have your home address. We know your credit card information. And we have a network of sympathetic hoteliers across the country.

In short, Mr. Importantpants, don’t fuck with the Meeting Planners.

Sincerely,