Category Archives: humor

Funerals and Friendly Skies

Now, please bear with me here. I have two stories to tell you. One kind of begat the other. And though Gina came first, the email I received from my friend Sue later the same day is what inspired today’s post. Here’s how it started:

The hilarious author and speaker Gina Barreca’s weekly column in the Hartford Courant really tickled my funny bone this week. Click here to read “No Funeral For Me. Nobody Likes Them.”

Okay. Did you read Gina’s story? Good. Now let’s hear from my buddy, Sue Brooks:

On a recent flight returning to her home near San Francisco from a business meeting in Mississippi, Sue sat behind a woman who placed a backpack in the overhead bin . . .

“It was a typical crowded flight,” Sue said. “The smallest flight attendant I have ever seen, stood on the seats and started tugging and moving luggage to squeeze another bag in. She started to pull at the backpack. The woman seemed alarmed and wanted to hold it.

“The flight attendant continued to tug and pull until the woman burst out, ’Be careful, my mother’s in there!’”

I don’t know how (or if) Sue was able to keep a straight face. “You gotta love travel!” she says.

Referring back to Gina’s essay, I’d like to imagine that the woman on Sue’s plane was bringing her mother’s ashes to sprinkle from the Golden Gate Bridge, or something equally exciting.

That makes me wonder:  What odd objects have you seen people bring on planes, or perhaps that you even carried on yourself?

Panda on plane

Now, bringing a panda on board is unexpected! Thanks to the funny site Pleated-Jeans for this pic.

Do you have a funny story to share about funerals or surprising carry-on “luggage?” I can’t think right now of a crazy carry-on story, but I’ll start you off with one about my dad’s funeral.

My father’s last wishes were precise and very traditional. The family greeted people paying their respects during calling hours in the evening, followed by a full Catholic funeral mass the next morning. It was difficult and sorrowful for all who loved this great man. It’s hard to believe it will be eight years this month.

Anyway, Dad wanted to be cremated, but in accordance with the preference of the Catholic Church, his body (in a casket, of course) was present for the funeral mass and the cremation took place afterward.

At one point in the service, the retired parish priest who had known my parents for years stood near the casket flinging drops of holy water from a heavy, ornate metal scepter onto the casket. In the midst of this blessing ritual, the scepter slipped out of his hands and bonked loudly onto the wood above Dad’s forehead. The elderly priest was no doubt abashed by the slip but quickly regaining his composure, quipped, “Well, if that doesn’t wake Bob up, nothing will!”

I’ll never forget the moment of laughter that ensued and how I thought at the time, how much my father would have loved the joke. Laughter is always beautiful, in my book.

And if you’re wondering, Bob’s ashes are all over the place. He’s at his two favorite golf courses in Ohio and Florida. He’s swimming with the fishes in Lake Erie. He’s enjoying lovely Utah with my sister; and the last precious bit is in a little box waiting to keep Mom company at her final resting place one day.

So – do you have a funny or interesting story regarding a funeral or the execution of someone’s last wishes? Crazy things you’ve seen carried onto your flight?

Readers’ choice – would love to hear from you!

Don’t tell me to smile, fool

When did it happen? When was the very last time a man told me to SMILE? And despite really wanting to tell him to shut up and get away from me, I smiled. It always seemed churlish not to comply, right?

Well, it’s been many years since a man demanded a smile from me. Many, MANY years. And here’s why:  I believe a man only tells a woman to smile when he’s attempting to make a personal connection, no matter how tenuous, inappropriate, or annoying, because he finds the woman attractive. He is either hoping she will one day agree to have sex with him, or he’s using it as a power play (and wants to have sex with her). When a woman is not pretty enough (according to his taste) or young enough (again, subjective) to be fuckable, he doesn’t care if she ever smiles. Ever.

I had this epiphany about being too old for anyone to ask me to smile when I saw this funny little video on Facebook yesterday called “Smyle for Women” by Nightpantz. Check it out:

 

When I shared this video on Facebook,  my two friends named Tina commented on it. Tina #1 said men don’t tell older women to smile because they are afraid of us and know she’ll tell him to fuck off (but Tina said $%&@ off) and mind his own business.

Good answer, Tina! So even if a man were tempted to break the ice with an older woman by telling her to smile, we might guess that he’s finally mature enough to know how stupid that ploy is, or he is afraid he’ll be embarrassed by the woman telling him he’s a jackass and that he can go smile at himself in the mirror if he’s that desperate for a happy face encounter.

On the other hand, Tina #2 expressed some concern about being afflicted with RBF, or Resting Bitch Face. You know the face. Mouth automatically turns down, even though your mood is neutral or even happy. Your face, at rest, looks like you’re frowning. That can happen to men or women and is no indication of whether or not that person is cantankerous or one of the funniest sweetie pies you’ve ever met. It’s just Mouth Gravity.

Are you ever hesitant to approach a stranger with RBF? Have you reluctantly greeted someone who looked cranky and scary, but the minute you said hello and introduced yourself, her face lit up with the most gorgeous smile ever? I love it when that happens.

If she were still with us, I’ll bet Mary Tyler Moore would have RBF by now and hey, that girl could turn the world on with her smile, right? I think Rhoda had RBF at a young age. Phyllis, too, now that I think about it. RBF is not strictly age-related but – wouldn’t you know it? – it’s mostly the females of our species that get called out on it. Yeah. Don’t be put off by RBF, people.

And if you’re one of those men who still struts up to young girls and women and commands them to SMILE, all I can say is – knock it off.  If there was any chance that the lady in question might have considered sleeping with you, the odds dropped dramatically after you demanded to see her teeth. Trust me.  Women of all ages hate to be told to smile. Unless you’re with “Candid Camera,” resist the inclination, guys.

Otherwise, be aware that her smile is just barely hiding a snarl. Every time.

 

 

Goldilocks has nothing on Norma

For the past month or so we’ve been on a quest to find a new recliner for my mother. Her old one is, well, old, and to top it off, a spring plunked upon the floor beneath her just the other night. I’d say it’s time.

But here’s the thing. My mother is particular. I have no problem with that because I’m quite picky, myself. Finding the perfect recliner has turned into a needle-in-the-haystack kind of experience. Mom wants . . .

Mom in recliner

Norma, aka Goldilocks, finds one recliner that’s almost right.

  • A wing back chair design
  • A seat that isn’t too deep, since she’s quite short and doesn’t want her legs dangling like a toddler’s
  • A seat that isn’t too high for the same reason
  • A lever or buttons to manage the reclining action since some chairs are hard for her to push back, or worse yet, slam back into submission after reclining
  • The footrest needs to be comfortable and not too short (she doesn’t like her heels suspended in midair)
  • The back should recline a bit; no full-on horizontal as if she’s a frat boy settling in for an afternoon of college bowl games
  • The fabric needs to be pretty and complement the existing living room furniture: since the couch and matching gigantic armchair and ottoman (my dad’s manly choice a number of years ago) are a dark, burgundy leather, it cannot be another leather piece or a solid color. Flowers and/or plaid are the preferred patterns.

I think that about covers it. We started, logically enough, at La-Z-Boy sometime in late May. After sitting in at least a dozen chairs and finally finding one that was suitable, if not exactly Love at First Sight, we adjourned to the design center in the middle of the store to look at 5,492 fabric samples. Again, we finally found something that was okay, but not To Die For. That’s right. All those samples and nothing fabulous that screamed I AM NORMA.

Mom still was about ready at this point to settle for “nice” when the salesman started adding up the extra cost for the selected fabric and the motor to work the buttons and Scotchgard and the delivery and . . . the chair was going to cost more than $2,000 after tax!

Now, Mom may have been tempted if this was going to be the most beautiful, comfortable chair she’d ever seen, but wisely, she decided it was not worth the money. We all have our HELL NO point. That was hers.

We put the chair search on hold after that very long and disappointing experience until last weekend. Chris was joining us for Sunday lunch and with no special plans for the rest of the afternoon, he suggested we look at more recliners.

This is when the Goldilocks syndrome really kicked in.

brown chair

This chair, while the style was wrong, had a LIFT feature to kind of tip you up and out of the chair. The salesman said elderly people get indignant when he suggests it. I want one.

After sitting in chairs that were either too big, too deep, reclined too drastically, or were just plain ugly, we decided that Levin Furniture wasn’t going to have the answer.

We hopped back in the car and traveled about a half mile to take a shot at Kronheim’s. Bob, the salesman, was very helpful and success almost seemed within reach. We even examined all the fabrics available for one chair that, while not a wing back, could have been okay. The fabrics were all part of a family of textile designs called “Metro.” Well, my mother is not a “metro” kind of gal. Actually, I find it hard to imagine anyone saying, “Oh, I LOVE that one!” to ANY of the patterns. I am guessing that anyone who chose that chair either stuck with a solid color (the charcoal gray on display in the store was attractive enough) or settled for whichever weird and/or lackluster design would be least offensive when introduced to their other furniture.

Bird recliner

This recliner, but not with birds, and preferably with a wing back. Close, but no cigar.

Discouraged, we returned my very tired mother to her home in Madison, but Chris and I decided (independently) to search for the perfect chair on line. I eventually found this chair with birds that I thought was right up her alley, but she quickly reminded me that she doesn’t like birds.

What? Who doesn’t like birds? Then I thought, well – I don’t like flowers. Who am I to judge? Oh, I love real flowers, but I don’t want to sit on them. Floral upholstery just seems, well, old lady-ish. If I were to win the lottery and decided to buy a second home in the Cotswolds I’d go all chintz with cabbage roses and toile, but that’s the only circumstance where I can see myself sitting on flowers. Here’s a picture of two of my favorite chairs that I’ve had for umpteen years now.

black-chairs.jpg

These chairs are my style. Plus they match Micky.

The good news about the bird chair is that we agreed that it is awfully close to the style she’d like, so I started looking for similar chairs to check out the brands. Lo and behold, Sheraton Furniture, which is less than a mile from my home in Willoughby, carries two of the brands that look like good possibilities for Mom. We’re going on Sunday. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Fingers crossed that our Goldilocks finds a chair that is JUST RIGHT.

 

 

A catch-up morning. Hold the mustard.

My desk is almost clean. Almost. The left side that was stacked with papers and business cards and bills and bank statements and God-knows-what-else has been attacked. I threw out most of it and organized the rest.

I finally called the businesses whose cards I’d saved: Little Luxury Day Spa to order more moisturizer and Spot-On! Dog Training to make an appointment with a trainer who comes to the house. I have high hopes for finally getting The Boys under control. Or me. Depending on how you look at it.

Rhonda Allison skin care

Rhonda Allison makes some nice skin care products. I’m a fan!

My son bought me a gift certificate for a facial at the day spa for Mother’s Day and I loved it. I’d never had one before and wasn’t apprehensive, exactly, but not really sure what to expect, either. It seems like I could massage my own face if I really am in the mood for such a thing, but it was pleasant and I did feel especially clean afterward. I like the moisturizer so much that I just left a message for Naomi to order more. It’s from the Rhonda Allison line of skin care products, if you’re interested. I think I counted about 25 moisturizing-type products alone. The one I’m using is eZinc Protection Cream to moisturize and protect my face from “the elements.” It’s very light, which I prefer to heavier, creamy concoctions.

Fortunately, I also found in my pile a check from my friend Tina to cover her half of the season tickets we’re buying together for Cleveland’s Playhouse Square Broadway Series. I’ve already forgotten some of the plays we’re seeing, but I know we’re seeing Hamilton on August 3rd, as well as Waitress (loved the movie with Keri Russell as the pie-baking, pregnant waitress) and a musical based on Gloria Estafan’s life. I believe Aladdin is in the mix, which I may or may not actually go to. I’m not into children’s theater, or to going to the theater with children. Maybe if I had grandchildren? Maybe.

Hamilton NYT

Hamilton photo from the NY Times. Can’t wait to see it!

But I’m excited to do this – my first time committing to a series. I’ve been interested in doing so for a very long time, but most of the people I know who buy season tickets already go with a group that’s been attending plays together for years. I love spending time with Tina, so it will be great to meet early for dinner downtown to catch up before we see each show.

As for Spot-On! Dog Training, I was walking The Boys a month or so ago and came across the trainer working with a lady and her dog about a block away from my home. His colorful van was in the driveway and as I watched them work for a minute, the trainer said hello and offered me his card.

hounds-of-hell-tour-header

What someone hears when they ring my doorbell.

I have taken both dogs to training, separately, not long after adopting each. They do well on walks. They know how to heel and walk sedately on my left side. Mind you, this is only when they’re wearing what I call “poky collars” with little spikes. If they’re wearing their adorable harnesses, they basically ignore me and pull and leap at will. You may think I’m a horrible person for using the spike collars, but what an earlier trainer in Madison told me made sense. She said that when a dog pulls on that collar, he gets a little pinch that will deter him from pulling harder. A choke collar, on the other hand, can seriously choke and hurt a dog who may continue pulling much longer and harder before feeling the discomfort. I never jerk on the poky collar, by the way. That gentle prod is enough for them to resist pulling all on their own.

October 2013

What’s really behind Door Number One.

What I really need to work on with The Boys is for them to “come,” “sit,” and “stay.” They know what these words mean, but they will only reliably cooperate if food is involved (and if they’re hungry; not hungry, all bets are off). If someone rings the doorbell, they are like the hounds of hell, barking and leaping at the front door to (I’m guessing) protect me and their territory. No amount of saying, “Hey! It’s only the Domino’s delivery guy! Settle down!” has any effect on their behavior. No magic words will entice them to shut-the-fuck-up and sit quietly. It’s an embarrassment.

And why is it an embarrassment? Because these are perfectly nice dogs who have found themselves in the hands of an incompetent Dog Mom. Do they need training? Oh my, yes. But guess who needs it even more?  Yeah. Me.

Since much of the problem takes place in our home, I’m excited to find a trainer who will come and work with us at the house. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now morning has broken. Oh, wait. No, it’s really just lunch time and I’m hungry. Let’s see what’s in the fridge, and as always, hold the mustard. Ick.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina, or Cleveland, or anywhere else. I’m fine, boo!

Last night two dear friends said things to me that I found so perplexing, I had to go back and read my last few blog posts this morning. This is just a short note to all and sundry to let you know that life is good and, please, don’t take my self-deprecatory humor to heart.

So, at a class dinner, Brenda said she loves my writing and that I was “so brave.” Wait, what? Brave? I gave her a hug (I was about to head home) and thanked her, but was puzzled about the “brave” part. Brenda is great, by the way. We’re trying to figure out how we missed out on being besties in high school.

Then, I got home and called Ginny to try to meet for lunch today. I told her what Brenda said about me being brave, and Ginny said, well, there was something she’d been wanting to tell me, too. She said she loves my writing, but that she wants me to stop making fun of myself or people will get the wrong idea and think I’m down on myself for being old and fat.

Now, Ginny is my adorable, protective friend of twenty-plus years and I know she would walk on glass for me. She doesn’t want me to think of myself in a negative way, nor does she want anyone else to even consider thinking I am anything less than fabulous. She was annoyed with me for putting myself down!

I hope you have friends like mine (and I have MORE amazing girlfriends, too)! Aren’t they wonderful?

So this is just a little note to my darling Brenda and Ginny and anyone else who cares to tell you – don’t worry! I actually like myself better now than ever before in my life. In my mind, that gives me license to laugh at the challenges of buying clothes for short, chubby gals and to call myself “old” when, in truth, I feel anything but.

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Sue and I enjoying cafe au lait and croissants in France two years ago. Can’t wait for our adventure in Italy this fall! Life is GOOD!

The Boys (my dogs) and I just got back from our morning walk. Little Richard, the possible Morkie, is a slim, trim little terrier. Mick Jagger, my long haired dachshund, is a chubby fellow who really needs to reduce to a healthier weight. Consequently, the daily walks are intended to get us both in better shape. We aren’t likely to reach Richie’s doggie equivalent of Magic Mike’s physique, but Mick and I are getting healthier. This will allow him to more effectively terrorize the squirrels who dare venture into our back yard, and I will be better able to keep up with my buddy, Sue, when we explore Tuscany in October. It helps to have a big reward, right? Carrot (or better yet, carrot cake) on a stick?

So, don’t worry, my friends! And if you’re feeling old, remember this:  you will never again be as young as you are today. Enjoy!

Thoughts on this Saturday

First, I’d like to thank a number of neighbors who have rose bushes planted near the sidewalk in front of their homes. I stop to smell everyone’s roses each day when I walk the dogs. I am a cliche.

At least one pair of  large, handsome blue jays have claimed my yard as part of their territory. On the one hand, they are magnificent to see – bright sapphire with black and white markings. On the other hand, they are the meanest birds around. I’m afraid that they’re chasing away the nice birds. I actually found a dead cardinal floating in my little pond last week, if you can believe that. I’m not blaming the blue jays. But it was very sad.

And my last comment on birds: where are the hummingbirds? I have had my feeder up for two weeks, but no hummers have appeared. I changed the nectar Thursday because I didn’t want one to finally show up and go, “Eeuw! Stale nectar! I’m out of here!” I hope they will discover my feeder soon. I also hope the blue jays don’t scare them away.

Rich groomed Feb 2015

My sweet Richie. A Morkie? Maybe so!

I found a great Groupon deal for window washing, inside and out. Yesterday the young man who owns the company, Don, came to the front door and almost immediately asked what kind of dog Richie is. I explained that he’s a rescue and is some kind of terrier mix. Don said, well, my dog looks exactly like that! And his dog is a registered “Morkie.” This is not an AKC-recognized breed, but a mix of a Yorkie and Maltese that is recognized by some other organization that keeps track of specific mixed breeds, like Cockapoos and Goldendoodles, I suppose. I certainly see both breeds in Little Richard so, henceforth, he shall be known as a probable Morkie. He’s feeling fancier now, no doubt.

It was about 5:30 when Don and his helper arrived. These hard-working guys work twelve- to sixteen-hour days when weather permits! So, I took the boys with me and sat in one of my Adirondack chairs by the pond to read while they tackled the job on the house.

I thought I’d sprayed myself pretty thoroughly with mosquito repellent before heading out back, but as often happens, the little bastards found patches of skin I’d missed. By bedtime I was scratching furiously at four or five spots where I’d been bitten. Mosquitoes love me. Maybe I should eat more garlic in the summer? If anyone can suggest an effective spray that doesn’t smell horrible, I need to buy something new. And if anyone has a suggestion for making the itching go away, I’m willing to try just about anything. I tend to scratch until I’ve removed a layer of skin and end up with scabs and scars and red marks that last all summer. Yuck.

I’d also like to know how to kill weeds. I really do try to stay away from Roundup (which isn’t foolproof, anyway), but by this time of year, there are weeds that are so disgusting and grow so quickly, I just can’t keep up. The previous owners of the house put in a lovely shade garden with a variety of hostas and other plants that is now being overrun by hateful weeds. When the weather is just a bit cooler, I need to slather myself in what will hopefully be a new, more effective mosquito repellent and get out there and yank that crap out. My poor back. Gardening really is not my thing.

orange-is-the-new-black-netflix

Some of the cast members from “Orange is the New Black.” I love this show. Photo from Den of Geek.

So last night, safely back inside and in front of the TV, I finished watching this season’s “Orange is the New Black.”  Man. What a powerful season! The actors are great, but what I’d really like to do is write a love letter to the writers and tell them how brilliant they are. I think I will.

And those are my Saturday thoughts.

Happy Father’s Day to the dads out there. If you still have yours, give him an extra hug from me. I miss mine. Love you, Bob.

 

I’m a little teapot

That’s right. Short and stout.

teapotNow, a chubby little teapot conjures up sweet images, does it not? A pastel-flowered, porcelain vessel with matching, delicate cups and saucers, accompanied by warm scones with jam and cream. An old-fashioned nursery song acted out by precious preschoolers. A Neti pot when you . . . oh, never mind.

However, the mental snapshot of a height-challenged, overweight middle-aged (oh, fine, OLD) woman shaped like a teapot isn’t quite so charming.

Let’s call a spade, a spade. I have been a short, fat woman most of my adult life. Oh, there were periods when I starved and exercised myself into a more marketable size, but it was a constant battle to stay that way. Wait. “Marketable size?” Yes, that’s right. And every woman who has ever been out there looking for love, whether in all the wrong or right places, knows exactly what I’m talking about.

But that’s not what I’m writing about today.

Today I am focusing on the SHORT element of the description. Being “stout” is always an issue when you’re shopping for new clothes. Add “short” to the mix and the complications multiply exponentially.

Well, just buy petite clothes, you say? Oh, gosh. I certainly would – if a decent supply of petite fat clothes existed. Oh, they’re out there. But it’s not like walking into the Petite section at Dillard’s where a plethora of adorable outfits are on offer for, well, petite women. That’s short women who fit into a size zero to maybe ten or twelve. I am not petite. I’m just short, okay?

Yes, there are some plus-size “petite” or “short” sizes (I prefer short; let’s not be coy), but I think most manufacturers think if you’re fat, just buy the fat pants or dress or whatever, and hem it.

I do plenty of that, but . . . . When you’re short, you also have a shorter rise. I’m sure you know the “rise” is the distance from your waist to your hooha. There’s no doubt some kind of standard ratio at work here that assumes if you have fifty-inch hips, then it only makes sense that the rise must be, say, fifteen inches. If, however, you are a shortie with fifty-inch hips, your rise may only be, say, ten inches. Get the picture? So that means with the pants buttoned at the waist, the crotch is dipping down somewhere between your hooha and your knees.

You can walk around all baggy-crotch like a gangsta, or you might try rolling the waistband over. Now, this frequently results in a pleated, ballooning effect that makes it look like you’re wearing a mini crinoline to emphasize your hips. The next step is to search for a top that reaches just below your crotch to camouflage the bunched up fabric pouch.

Or, wait – how about buying a tunic top?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahha!

spongebob-squarepants-ss4Oh, my short, stout friends – the tunic is not your friend. Once again, the 2X tunic is designed for a hefty gal who’s five-six or taller (that’s four inches above me). When something hangs a few inches below the hip on a taller woman, she still has a nice, long expanse of leg to balance the tunic’s length, as intended by the designers. That same tunic on me nearly skims my knees, then the chunky little calves and feet poke out below making me resemble SpongeRoberta SquarePants. SpongeBob has skinny little legs but, let’s face it, the over-sized, boxy sponge is not a flattering look for him, either.

Earlier this spring I bought two nice tee-shirts online. They have square necklines and elbow-length sleeves (another critical factor for those of us sporting exceptionally meaty upper arms). I tried one on quickly when the weather was still pretty chilly, then washed and hung them in the closet, ready for summer.

When it hit 90 degrees this weekend, I finally pulled one out to wear and realized that it doesn’t fit at all. Yes, it’s big enough. No, it’s not actually too big. Somehow, the proportions are seriously off.

The problem is that there’s maybe a four-inch expanse between the top of my shoulder, down to where my breasts begin. The square is modest enough so I’m not giving cleavage, but for this shirt to fit, someone would have to stand behind me and pull the whole damn thing up a couple of inches from the shoulders so the armpits more or less fit where my armpits are actually situated. Instead, the bottom of the shirt’s armpit is hanging somewhere around my lower rib cage.

I look okay if I stand still with my arms at my sides. I look quite nice, in fact. But when I wore this shirt to the grocery store, I discovered this weird effect where the whole front of my shirt is elevated when I reach for the Quaker Oat Squares on a higher shelf.

This was not the top shelf, by the way. It was the second shelf down. I can’t reach the top shelf unless the item I want is already teetering toward the edge.

Tyrannosaurus_Rex_colored

So much like me. Tiny arms. Chubby thighs. Big mouth. Oh, yeah. More to come another day.

I was going to write this whole, other part about my freakishly short arms, and my thoughts on fat arms and big boobs and ladies’ golf, but I’ll save that for another time.

But on the plus side, I can buy the currently fashionable (I think?) ankle-length cropped pants and just wear them as regular pants.

I also was going to write more about the plus side, but after considerable thought, I honestly can’t come up with anything else.

Quit bitching and lose some weight, you may be thinking.

Are you?

Oh, go fuck yourself.

No, you’re not. Never mind.

So you may wonder, would I rather be thinner? Or taller? The answer, of course, is BOTH. Duh. In the meantime, if you run into a short and stout woman at Giant Eagle with balloon-y pants, holding her arms tightly to her sides, that could be me. Or one of my height- and weight-challenged sisters.

Be a doll and ask if we need anything on the top shelf, hmm?