My dad used to say, when something was just okay, “Well, that’s better than a poke in the eye with a dirty stick.”

Many, many things would be far better than being poked in the eye with a dirty stick. Like eating liver, even. Although, on the nights I was forced to remain at the table until I ate just ONE  BITE of liver, my kindergartner-self may have opted for the stick.

Anyway, I really am struggling to come up with a decent topic for discussion today. But I just hate to let a week go by without reaching out to you, my loyal readers. I love you, you big lugs. So here’s a little something for you to kick off the weekend:

Last week I went to a local place that I will not name, which will make sense as I continue. I had to interact with one of the people that works at the place and we went back and forth for several minutes. Me asking for help, and the staff person explaining things to me.

It was a satisfactory exchange in all respects but one. The person had a glass eye. Now, I don’t think I know anyone who has one, so I’ve never had the opportunity to learn glass eye etiquette. I’ve never had the chance to say, hey, can I ask you some questions so I know how to be poised around people with glass eyes?

And I’m just wondering, does everyone but me know how tell which one’s the real eye? My own eyesight isn’t that great, so I would need to put my face close to theirs and really examine the situation to make the call. Certainly, that is not an option with a stranger. Even for me.

Is the shinier, prettier eye probably the glass eye? Should I be looking at the one that’s not quite as attractive? You’d think the real eye would be the sparkly, lively-looking one, but maybe not. I find myself focusing on the brighter eye and hoping for the best. I am praying this person isn’t thinking, “What a dick! Why is this woman staring at my glass eye? Stupid bitch.”

I don’t mean to. Honest. I’m confused and I know that I’m the asshole and I don’t know what to do, so like a magpie, I am attracted to the shiny eye. I hope it’s the one that works. I could try looking somewhere in between or just above your eyes, maybe at the space between your eyebrows. I just don’t know what’s best. If anyone reading this can tell me how to know which eye is which, for future reference, I’d appreciate it.

What I have decided, though, is that if I ever lose an eye – due to a dirty stick or any other unfortunate event – I will just wear an eye patch. Then people won’t have to worry about which eye to look at when they talk with me. I think I can rock a pirate look, even at my age, and it will be my gift to you, so you won’t have to worry about being a dick and staring at my glass eye.

So that’s the plan. Just in case. You’re welcome.