So I just decided I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year. If we’ve known each other for a long time, you are well aware that I’ve always been unreliable in this regard. I’m surprised anyone sends me Christmas cards, ever, because you can’t count on me to reciprocate from one year to the next. It’s a crap shoot.

Here’s Richie with my array of cards. You can imagine which one I might have sent to you, okay? Some are holiday cards. One just has a snowman and says “Joy,” so that’s appropriate for atheists and/or believers of any religion. Joy is a good, seasonal message – short, sweet and nondenominational. It also just says “joy” on the inside. Minimalist message. That’s Joy Option #1.

There’s actually a second “Joy” card with a huge “Joy” written on the front with a picture of Santa Claus, but on the inside, it just says “. . . to you and yours during this wonderful holiday season.” If you don’t have a problem with Santa, it also is pretty much suitable for everyone. Click here for Joy Option #2.

See the big shiny red card that just says “Merry” on the front? Don’t be deceived by its innocuous cover. On the inside you’ll find a blatant reference to Christmas, so don’t choose this card unless you’re inclined toward Christianity. Fair warning.

I have two brown cards that imply a rustic charm, I suppose. I guess that’s why I bought them. I forget. The first one, which I bought this year, says “Happy Holidays” on the front and the message inside is so tiny and difficult to read, but says “Wishing you joy and peace this season.” I would say the brown paper bag-type design and minuscule writing suggests some reluctance to put too much emotion into the message. Hey. Let’s keep this tasteful and inclusive, okay? If you like that idea, pretend I sent you that card.

The last brown card has Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays written in a number of languages, tapering down from the star at the top to form a Christmas tree. You know how much I love to travel, so Buon Natale and all that might be your choice if you like to travel, too. The only problem with this card is that there is no message on the inside. None! That box, as you might imagine, is mostly full, because who wants to think up stuff to write on the inside right? If you like that card, pretend I wished you much happiness in the year ahead and maybe made reference to a big trip I know you’re planning in 2016.

When I went to the post office yesterday to mail out the Christmas Crack, I even bought a book of holiday stamps, specifically to use on the cards I am no longer sending out. I’m including a photo here because, upon examination, I realized that what they’re calling “Rudolph” stamps has four different stamp designs. There’s one of Rudolph and one of Santa, but there are two more characters I’ve never heard of. Who the hell are Hermey and Bumble?  Maybe I will find this out if/when I ever have grandchildren, but I can tell you now that these names mean nothing to me and I will only use those stamps on bills I resent having to pay by mail next year. Actually writing out a CHECK. Archaic.

Since I pay 99% of my bills on line, I’m going to have those Christmas stamps for months. As unpredictable as I am about sending out Christmas cards, I LOVE birthday cards (the ones that make me snort and maybe pee my pants a little bit from laughing so hard). Consequently, don’t be surprised when you get your birthday card in May or July with Santa or Rudolph on the front.

So, Merry Christmas, you all. Belated Happy Hanukkah (will one of my Jewish friends please tell me the preferred spelling, by the way?). Joyous Kwanzaa. Happy Festivus. And may the Force be with you.