My desk is almost clean. Almost. The left side that was stacked with papers and business cards and bills and bank statements and God-knows-what-else has been attacked. I threw out most of it and organized the rest.

I finally called the businesses whose cards I’d saved: Little Luxury Day Spa to order more moisturizer and Spot-On! Dog Training to make an appointment with a trainer who comes to the house. I have high hopes for finally getting The Boys under control. Or me. Depending on how you look at it.

My son bought me a gift certificate for a facial at the day spa for Mother’s Day and I loved it. I’d never had one before and wasn’t apprehensive, exactly, but not really sure what to expect, either. It seems like I could massage my own face if I really am in the mood for such a thing, but it was pleasant and I did feel especially clean afterward. I like the moisturizer so much that I just left a message for Naomi to order more. It’s from the Rhonda Allison line of skin care products, if you’re interested. I think I counted about 25 moisturizing-type products alone. The one I’m using is eZinc Protection Cream to moisturize and protect my face from “the elements.” It’s very light, which I prefer to heavier, creamy concoctions.

Fortunately, I also found in my pile a check from my friend Tina to cover her half of the season tickets we’re buying together for Cleveland’s Playhouse Square Broadway Series. I’ve already forgotten some of the plays we’re seeing, but I know we’re seeing Hamilton on August 3rd, as well as Waitress (loved the movie with Keri Russell as the pie-baking, pregnant waitress) and a musical based on Gloria Estafan’s life. I believe Aladdin is in the mix, which I may or may not actually go to. I’m not into children’s theater, or to going to the theater with children. Maybe if I had grandchildren? Maybe.

But I’m excited to do this – my first time committing to a series. I’ve been interested in doing so for a very long time, but most of the people I know who buy season tickets already go with a group that’s been attending plays together for years. I love spending time with Tina, so it will be great to meet early for dinner downtown to catch up before we see each show.

As for Spot-On! Dog Training, I was walking The Boys a month or so ago and came across the trainer working with a lady and her dog about a block away from my home. His colorful van was in the driveway and as I watched them work for a minute, the trainer said hello and offered me his card.

I have taken both dogs to training, separately, not long after adopting each. They do well on walks. They know how to heel and walk sedately on my left side. Mind you, this is only when they’re wearing what I call “poky collars” with little spikes. If they’re wearing their adorable harnesses, they basically ignore me and pull and leap at will. You may think I’m a horrible person for using the spike collars, but what an earlier trainer in Madison told me made sense. She said that when a dog pulls on that collar, he gets a little pinch that will deter him from pulling harder. A choke collar, on the other hand, can seriously choke and hurt a dog who may continue pulling much longer and harder before feeling the discomfort. I never jerk on the poky collar, by the way. That gentle prod is enough for them to resist pulling all on their own.

What I really need to work on with The Boys is for them to “come,” “sit,” and “stay.” They know what these words mean, but they will only reliably cooperate if food is involved (and if they’re hungry; not hungry, all bets are off). If someone rings the doorbell, they are like the hounds of hell, barking and leaping at the front door to (I’m guessing) protect me and their territory. No amount of saying, “Hey! It’s only the Domino’s delivery guy! Settle down!” has any effect on their behavior. No magic words will entice them to shut-the-fuck-up and sit quietly. It’s an embarrassment.

And why is it an embarrassment? Because these are perfectly nice dogs who have found themselves in the hands of an incompetent Dog Mom. Do they need training? Oh my, yes. But guess who needs it even more?  Yeah. Me.

Since much of the problem takes place in our home, I’m excited to find a trainer who will come and work with us at the house. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now morning has broken. Oh, wait. No, it’s really just lunch time and I’m hungry. Let’s see what’s in the fridge, and as always, hold the mustard. Ick.