Well, poo

The kit sat on a shelf in my pantry for more than a month. When is it ever a good time to collect a stool sample? I procrastinated. I flat out didn’t want to do it.

Then the election results came in.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016, seemed like a good day to shit in a box and mail it out into the world. And so I did. It was cathartic.

Compliments of South Park

And lest you think it was also totally disgusting and I should be ashamed of myself (especially at my age, I mean, really), it was a legitimate action. My doctor recommended I take the less invasive, and less expensive, Cologuard© test that screens for colon cancer. If there are any worrisome results from this test, then yes, a colonoscopy will be required. If not, a little poop in a box will save me from having to participate in the full blown procedure.

While it may not work for the squeamish, it seems like a practical alternative, right?

On Wednesday, I found myself beyond caring.

So with unwashed, straggly hair, no makeup, and wearing a threadbare Bellagio fleece that my son advised me never to appear in public again (it’s still so cozy; I hang onto it to wear in the privacy of my home), I delivered my package to the nearby UPS store. The lady behind the counter asked if I wanted a receipt. I declined. I was afraid she’d ask about the contents, like they do at the post office. I also was eyeing everyone in the store, wondering who they voted for, my paranoia in full bloom.

I scurried out the door, back to the car. As I started the motor and shifted into reverse, I surprised myself with a tiny smile – the first since learning the election results.