How to scare an intruder or get a gazillion likes on Facebook

Have you ever commented on a Facebook post and wish you hadn’t? I guess if you’re on Facebook at all, that had to have happened at one time or another (or another dozen times or so).

The car alarm may be my only hope, so I'm nearly hopeless.

The car alarm may be my only hope, so I’m nearly hopeless.

Here’s what happened. There’s a Facebook page called “The 411 for Madison” and last summer a guy suggested keeping your car keys by your bed and hitting the alarm button if you heard someone breaking into your house.

Well, I had read that before and thought it was a pretty good idea. But when I tried it at my old home in Madison, it didn’t work – presumably because my bedroom was too far from the garage. I never gave it another thought until the guy’s post and I commented that anyone wanting to do that should test it first to see if it works from their bedroom.

End of story.

But wait. Not so fast. This one post has generated 389,840 shares (and counting) and 132,945 likes (and counting) since mid-July. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t get at least one notice that someone either liked what I said or had further comments to share on the matter.

Yesterday I decided to see what on earth is generating all this conversation and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of the more interesting comments, like:

Heather T. said “Try sticking it under your chin and opening your mouth sounds crazy you look stupid but it has actually worked. It makes the signal go farther.”

Kami P. agreed, “That does work I do it all the time to lock my car from work.”

There were other comments on ways to make the signal go further, but then the discussion started wandering off course.

Sammy N. suggested, “Sleep on the couch, or park in your grass.”

Someone else suggested sleeping in the car. These did not seem like viable solutions to me.

Then Jordan D. (whose Facebook page says he lives in Ireland, so how the hell he got involved with “The 411 for Madison,” I can’t imagine) opened the discussion wide open by suggesting, “Hold the remote close to your taint, and Riverdance. Works every time.”

What taint?

What taint?

Whoa! Jordan! I’m not 100% sure what you are calling a “taint,” but I can imagine. While that made me spit out a little coffee and consider friending Jordan for future creative recommendations on any subject, I thought better of it and kept scrolling through to read further comments.

Steve W. had a different take on the situation, saying, “If I hear a noise outside at night I bark like a dog for ten minutes at the door. I do this crawling around on my hands and knees so the direction of the sound of my bark is realistic to anyone outside.”

Steve shared more tips on dog impersonations, but now let’s move on to other ideas people had as alternatives to relying on a car alarm to scare off burglars.

John M. warned us that, “When my dad was here he lived next door. In the country if he need us. He cared his car key and it worked great. So if u have a plan let the neighbors know. I sleep with a 45 colt on the night stand. And if ur coming and I don’t know You will be leaving feet first . . . .”

Joel H. added, “Got a plate carrier (what’s that?) and an AR (huh?) in condition 1 by the bed. 30 rounds on tap and a “few” more on my rig. If someone’s dicking around my house at night, car keys will not even enter my mind.”

I am not suggesting for one second that this might be Joel. But it could be. Thank you to crasstalk.com for the great pic I stole (please don't shoot me).

I am not suggesting for one second that this might be Joel. But it could be. Thank you to crasstalk.com for the great pic I stole (please don’t shoot me).

I don’t even know what Joel was talking about, but you can believe I will not be dicking around his house at night. Nossir.

I kind of agree with . . .

Levi F. who says, “If every time you hear a noise outside you turn your car alarm on, I will break into your house and slap you.”

Is that a burglar? No! It's Levi breaking into your house to slap you for setting off your car alarm AGAIN.

Is that a burglar? No! It’s Levi breaking into your house to slap you for setting off your car alarm AGAIN.

Thank you, Levi, for putting the whole car-alarm-as-burglar-deterrent concept into perspective.

One lady wondered how this could help her if she doesn’t have a driveway and her car is parked around the corner. Definitely a problem. Don’t count on your key alarm, ma’am.

And Alan pointed out that he doesn’t have car keys or an alarm. He starts his 1980 Escort with a screwdriver, but he does keep the screwdriver by his bed.

Finally, Kayla C. appears to be seriously concerned about security stating, “I’ll just keep guns under my bed, on my nite stand and my cameras outside of the home. If they steal I got them red handed and if they come near me and my kids they have to get threw my husband with a asult riffle and me with a 45.”

Rob F. claims, “I keep two lions and a chimpanzee with a machine gun in the house. Never had a break in.”

Dog and gun. Made me think, Moose and Squirrel!

Dog and gun. Made me think, Moose and Squirrel.

Linette, like Kayla, likes to cover all her bases: “I have been taking my car keys, baseball bat, golf club, house phone and cell phone to bedroom with me for some time. And my neighbors know when hubby is not home as my back up system.”

What? No gun, Linette?

As Vincent S. points out, “PLEASE READ AND SHARE THIS BETTER TIP. Put your Glock beside your bed at night because your car key won’t stop an intruder unless maybe you poke them in the eye.”

I’m not in favor of guns, but you can’t argue with that.

The boys bark at stupid shit all day but sleep like babies all night.

The boys bark at stupid shit all day but sleep like babies all night.

In the meantime, I had to delete my comment and I hope that will be an end to the multiple daily “likes” and crazy comments about using your damned car alarm to scare away burglars. I wish I could say the boys are here to warn and protect me, but I’m pretty sure anyone can safely break into my house unless it’s the mailman or a squirrel.

(Note:  All the quoted material is copied exactly as it was written. You know my spelling is better than that.)

5 responses to “How to scare an intruder or get a gazillion likes on Facebook

  1. Ha, now you know you don’t have to delete your comment to avoid receiving notifications. Go to the comment on the 411 and that little toggle arrow in the upper right corner allows you to turn off notifications for one specific post. Then you can let the rest of these folks have fun with there comments. I often wonder who these people are. The other day someone comments on a Madison Food Center post that getting food leaves them more money for beer. Now why would you ever post that? It’s sooooo obvious that the center gives away food so you can get drunk, no need to tell everyone.
    Thanks Kate. Keep me smiling, quite an accomplishment.

  2. Laughing so hard I spit out my coffee!

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