Do we ever get old enough (read: wise enough) to stop with the resolutions for the new year? Is it human nature to optimistically try to start with a clean slate on January 1st with (probably) empty promises?

Oh, hell. I guess I’m still young enough and dumb enough to go for it.

I started today with my first two lifestyle changes related to eating and my never-ending quest for weight loss. At least I am now realistic enough to want to be healthy and active as opposed to wanting to morph into Heidi Klum.

So before I poured my first cup of coffee, I drank a glass of water. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but the objective is to hydrate myself in a semi-healthy manner as opposed to glugging down Diet Dr Pepper while I  wait for the coffee to brew. That has been my Breakfast of Champions for years. Yup. Guilty.

Second, I had a clementine orange with my Belvita bar. In my imaginary Happy Place, I would not only lose weight but be healthy and fit by eating nothing but simple carbohydrates in the form of doughnuts, pasta, pizza, cookies, etc., supplemented with daily doses of protein. Said protein would consist of cheeseburgers, chicken salad with grapes and walnuts, ham, and fried perch, to name just a few favored options.

Since my Happy Place is Jillian Michael’s Hell, I have to concede that wiser

choices may be in order. After replacing my morning slugs of Diet Dr Pepper with water, I intend to have at least one serving of a fruit or vegetable with every meal. And corn doesn’t count (you all know that, right?). Nor do the few nuggets of fruit on my ham and pineapple pizza.

I’m tempted to claim a bunch of other food- and diet-related resolutions, but I know I’m setting myself up for failure. I’m thinking of weaning myself off artificial sweeteners and flour. By saying I’m “thinking of it,” that means you can’t hold me to it. I won’t have to post a picture of myself holding a sign saying something like, “I promised to stop using artificial sweeteners and then bought three 12-packs of Diet Dr Pepper on special at Giant Eagle.”

It would be kind of like the Dog Shaming website, which cracks me up to no end. Maybe I should start a website for people who want to post photos of themselves admitting to their broken resolutions. It would probably be a huge hit, now that I think of it. Shame-on-me Selfies.

I was actually planning to post about my other resolution to claim back some of the wasted space in my house. I don’t know about you, but I’d guess that about one third of the drawers and closets in my house are filled with things I haven’t looked at – or apparently needed – in years. Stay tuned for more on that fun little project.

In the meantime, Happy New Year to you and yours and may 2014 bring only good things your way.