Email is always full of surprises, isn’t it? And I’m not even talking about the Viagra messages that go into the trash before I even see them. Sometimes I wonder, who do they think is sitting here reading their emails? I know they are not picturing a pudgy, 60-year-old woman whose idea of a good time is sitting in the recliner watching “Top Chef: Seattle” with my dog warming my lap and a can of Diet Dr Pepper close at hand.

For instance, just this morning a message from the Best of SparkPeople asked, “Are You Working Out Too Much?”

Talk about LOL. Now, had they sent something titled, “Are You Spending Way Too Much Time Sitting on Your Fat Ass?” Or, “Would You Rather Have a Root Canal than Work Out?” I might have been tempted to open it.  Working out too much? Bite me, SparkPeople. Not funny.

I include this next email not because it’s out of the question for me, but because it appeared right under the aforementioned SparkPeople message:

From Sur la Table:  One-Day Deal! Save Up to 50% on Bakeware Sets

Clearly, my email is schizophrenic. I don’t know whether to jump on the treadmill (yeah, right), or whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Most likely scenario: back in the recliner with my Diet Dr Pepper and a bag of Chip Ahoys.

Then there’s this one from LivingSocial Deals:  Paintball Package for 6

I realize LivingSocial offers a wide range of products and services to market to the broadest possible audience. My question is, does anybody even play paintball these days? Who? Where? Why? I just don’t get it. But I don’t get gambling either, so it’s probably just me. What is entertaining about sitting on a stool in front of a slot machine, repeatedly pressing a button to see if by chance the computer coughs up four blue Smurfs in a row, or whatever? (Notice that most people at slot machines are drinking, which explains at least in part the low threshold for the perception of being entertained.) But running around trying to shoot other people in a make believe war is a warped idea of fun, in my opinion. I’d like to poll the guys down at the VFW to see how many agree with me.

Here’s a confusing one that popped up from Addition-Elle:  WANTED: creative Pics of Jeans, only two weeks left!

First, let me say I’m not sure what Addition-Elle is. I know Elle is a magazine for young women, and if this is part of the magazine, I have no freaking idea how I got on the email list. I was tempted to look into this contest, however. For instance, I could have stuffed my size 18s with bags of chips and Twizzlers coming out the top and captioned it, “Here’s what your jeans will look like if you don’t walk away from the snack aisle.” I just think they would have been surprised to receive an entry like that. I should have checked to see if there was a prize. I’m just getting started here; I can think of all kinds of creative ways to take pictures of jeans.

And finally, from Fab: OINK! Gettin’ Piggy with Pork Proud Products

So the natural progression of ideas is that I should order pork products from Fab, stuff THOSE in my jeans, and send that as another entry in the Addition-Elle photo contest. If anyone is actually reading this, please feel free to submit creative caption ideas for this proposed photo in the comment section. If no one is reading this, at least I know I have amused myself.

Note to self:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, Kate – you are so funny! Mwah!

I am sad to say that I never actually opened and read any of these emails. Now, I do wish I had at the very least read the last two. Maybe the photos of jeans at Addition-Elle really would have been funny. What kind of Proud Pork products is Fab offering? Are they suggesting festively wrapped packages of bacon to put under the tree this year for family and friends? I have a few dear ones who would love that.

The mystery of emails is right up there with the random catalogues that show up in the mail. I do understand how buying one bathrobe from a big girl’s catalogue leads to colorful mailings from every purveyor of plus size clothing and/or sleepwear known to man. But why do I get a catalogue from a company that appears to only make all kinds of tape? It arrives every few months and has for years, though I have never had the need to acquire industrial sized quantities of tape – ever.

On that perplexing note, I will bring this fascinating missive to a close. And check my email.